I'm fifteen days into the New Year 2010, exactly four days after my birthday, and I find myself single...again.
But there is a tremendous difference between this year and those of the past, when I could have been a garment stuck on the clothesline of regret, flapping in the late-afternoon sun, bemoaning why in the world other women had mates and my flashy-sassy self was home, shaking the hell out of possibility, moaning and gripping and, in general, bellyaching over the myriad reasons why I should be in someone else's heels, instead of mine, and praying how to count myself amongst the blessed bevy of women with enviable mates---of course, with jobs, cars, savings accounts, 401K's, vacation resorts, time to enjoy them and sprawling homes.
Yet, somewhere between those prior years and this one, 2010, something CHANGED! And thank the Divine, not a moment too soon, as bellyaching 24/7 is exhausting. This woman was fed-up. So the hell what if I didn't have a date nor a mate. Was I not still blessed, still me? The pomp and pageantry, the broad smile (as a certain artist said), the deep words (quote from same artist) and glitter (ditto) were all still me, and if not a woman in Atlanta recognized that I was perfect exactly as I was, then so be it!
Before I came into this knowing, I didn't recognize the beauty of where I was. Sometimes we get bogged down in the general consensus.
So this year, I find that I am absolutely beyond fine with being SINGLE. And I so much as shared this notion with a lovely lady, Duchess Tenn, on Facebook last night, albeit unasked, considering I saw the announcement of her relationship status floating sweetly down the reel of status up-dates, and I figured I could comment. Being single is a repository of blessings.
What do I mean? Well, being single has its place for preparing us for the beauty of our next relationship. Yes, while single, we can learn countless things about ourselves. It is a training ground of sorts. If I am open to being better acquainted with myself and my needs and desires, hopefully, I will be able to articulate these delights about myself to my mate, and not leave her guessing about what I like and don't like, what makes me livid and what renders me soft inside.
In a single state, I think we can come to love ourselves, to know ourselves well enough to discern what we prefer in a significant other, also. After any relationship, long or short, we require time to face certain idiosyncrasies about ourselves and about our last mate, so that we can hold them to the light of reflection and thoroughly examined what they have to offer us in the way of self improvement. Many times we are direly afraid of being single, as though it is a plague-ridden condition. Some of us dive head first into the next union with a teaspoon of consideration to what we just suffered in the last ill-suited hook-up, the wrinkles we might have ironed out still etched in the fabric of our souls until the next time we come to the fork in the road and must walk our separate ways.
I'm going to be more loving to myself. Single or in a relationship.
If the groundhog can eventually see his shadow at some point in the year, we ought to be able to recognize the benefits of the joys of self-improvements over time.
Therefore, I accept where I am now in my life. I accept the stellar possibilities in the beautiful women to whom I am attracted. I am learning to trust the Universe and the Present in the day. Being single and enjoying the bliss of dating, I afford myself the opportunity of sharing the joy of the moment with another soul. I am learning to honor my voice and say No when I mean No and Yes because I Want to go forward. I am accepting the flow, and not only accepting it, I am permitting Life to live me.
I have been walking this path for a while now, not just for a couple of days into this joyous New Year. Quite simply, I changed my mind about being single, and my being single changed. And HOW it has changed!
Now possibilities abound everywhere! I recognize them and am saying YES to opened doors.
On the first day of the New Year, I savored a lunch date that found us sitting near the chilly glass of Bangkok Thai in Ansley Mall dining on laughter, photography, stories and delicious cuisine. Neither of us noticed the day change her garb from a sparkling pinafore to a flowing starry gown. Fifteen days in and I have accepted the invite to be the muse of two photographers and an artist/sculpture. I'm writing more consistently and being invited to showcase my work in an eclectic assortment of publications. On my birthday, I received the most exquisite purple roses from a most exquisite poet. A sumptuous fruit basket arrived with a card signed: "From the CEO of the Siren Fan Club," and, in shadows, I've yet to discern who sent them. Moreover, unforgettable friendships are forged daily on cyber sites on which I share my art. I am being urged to set dates for luscious, weekend get-aways---one within the next month, the other within the year. A girl has got to stand in awe and expectation for what lies ahead!
I am discovering me. Am stepping out on stages and flinging wide my arms, Diana Ross style, to embrace my audiences, to love and be loved, to roll out my talents, known and unknown, and titillate in the jubilation of discovering other aspects of the woman that I am.
Most importantly, I love what is, love what the Now brings. I am grateful. For each moment. If more single days are spread before me like a path of rose petals, I accept them. If a trail of lilies dares me to love in a relationship that enthrals and charms me into disinterest in other sections of the garden, then I will bow to a relationship. I adore the testimony of one of my favorite bloggers, Alix B. Golden, who said in the past she ran towards what could be, unlike me, who sprinted not to see.
Thus, I do not fear the walking away. I do not fear not being enough. I do not fear fear. I will remember who I really am, for I AM LOVE!
The Golden Goddess
Friday, January 15, 2010